this then 31 year old with a 2 year old never imagined that more kids would not be in her future. How and why would God withhold from me a gift He himself declares as a blessing? Why would he not "fill my quiver?"
But as the years passed, my hope of that has faded and I have been left with grief and sorrow in place of that hope. I have lost trust in my body and blamed our circumstances for not being able to seek the same type of medical intervention we did to have Eden (even though it is available here). I have often felt hurt and sad. I have felt like I failed in not being able give more children to Bart and siblings to Eden. As my grief and sorrow grew, my hope shrank. Then, as I have begun to enjoy having “just one,” I often felt guilty for the ease of our life. Beginning to enjoy this felt like I was giving up hope all the more. Letting go of this dream hasn’t come easy, and it’s still something I grieve sometimes. There are days that my heart and arms still ache for another baby. And, I think I will be 80 and at some level it will still be so.
I recently heard this definition of hope from Dr. Dan Allender, “Hope is faith in God’s goodness for the future.” It struck me and has rolled about in my head for days. God has used it to change my heart and to bring some healing to these deep, deep wounds. It has also brought a deeper understanding, in part, of the why - why this and why me, and one of the many things He has been trying to teach me all along.
wrong? Why am I not able to believe enough to make this happen? Though I knew God could, I believed my lack of hope was why He didn’t.
Now, go back and read Romans 4:13-25 again in light of the definition I shared - Hope is faith in God’s goodness for the future. Do you see what that does? How that changes it? I can now see that Abraham was counted as righteous because of his faith, because his faith was in God alone - not in his old body or Sarah’s old womb, not in the miracle, not even in the promise. His hope, his faith for the future, was in God alone. And that hope not only brought about him being the father of a nation, the first father of the covenant we now share through Jesus Christ, but also his salvation - him being counted as righteous before the Lord.
Do you see where my problem was? Where was I placing my trust? In whom was I trusting? Myself. I was trusting in my own ability and in my hope to be strong enough as if I can bring anything good before the Lord that would cause him to act as I want Him to. But, my hope - my faith for the future - should have been placed in God and His goodness. I never should have placed hope in my own body, or in deserving more kids because I was obedient, or even in a miracle. Why? Because all of these things are pitiful, weak, and vastly lesser-than, when compared to the God of the universe who has made himself available to me.
able to understand God’s goodness despite my circumstances. Would I have rather learned this lesson another way? Maybe… But, I am thankful for it. I am thankful for the clarity and simplicity it has brought to my understanding of hope and the confidence it has given me in who God is and His goodness, now and forever into the future.
Though I have never been given more physical children, I can proclaim God’s goodness. And, because He is good, no matter what comes or doesn’t come, I can hope in Him and His goodness for my future. And this hope will not make my heart sick, but will fulfill me and my desires in a way that brings life (Proverbs 13:12) because isn’t that what we really desire deep, deep down any way? Him and Him alone. I can cling to the One who has my goodness in mind and who is faithful to the end of time and beyond. I can rest in His mercies that are renewed every morning and know He loves me like no other and always will. He can be my portion and fill up my whole life and I will never be disappointed or have to lose hope again. And, like Abraham, when I choose to live life hoping only in Him, He will be good to me - He will save me, and there is nothing better than that.
But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.
my life He is working in now would be unreachable. As we approach our return date, I have asked the Lord for two things in my personal life. First, that he would establish in me disciplines, spiritual and physical, that will help me to walk through the transition to come and to help me stay connected to Him. And second, that I would be open to whatever else God wants to work on in me while we are still here in Costa Rica, living at a slower pace and in a routine with which I am familiar. I believe the Lord is answering my prayers, evidenced by my “boot camp.”
During this time I have been faced with two times, and two different ways, I have caused deep hurt in Bart’s life. They were things that happened years ago but nonetheless they wounded him, and our relationship, deeply. When he shared these with me I was faced with the depth of my sin. In response I had to choose a path. The enemy held these sins in front of me and made me feel guilty and ashamed, but I could also hear the Holy Spirit calling me not to guilt but to conviction. And that conviction led to grief over what I had done, not shame. For the first time, I was able to clearly understand the differences between guilt and shame which come from Satan, and conviction and grief which come from God by his Holy Spirit. Not only are they from two opposing sources, they lead to two very different places, and I had, and continue to have, a choice as to which path I follow.
There is no doubt in my mind that guilt and shame are tools of the enemy who desires to render us Christians useless in the Kingdom of God. John 10:10 teaches us that, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.” I believe the enemy desires for us to feel guilty and live in shame because it paralyzes us. It renders us completely ineffective to what Christ has called us. It says that there is no good in us and we are no good to anyone. And what better way for the enemy to win in the lives of Christians then to try and make us believe that we are of no value and have nothing to offer those around us.
But, conviction and grief, or sorrow, are so very different. In 2 Corinthians 7:10 we read, “For godly grief [godly sorrow, NIV] produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief [shame] produces death. They bring to light our sin, our inability to do to the right thing. They show us our fallen nature and our desperate need for a savior. And they affect change. When we suffer grief over the way we have lived, over how we have hurt someone, over the problems and trouble that we have caused, we can look for a better way. We can look to and live in the way Christ shows us. When our grief is godly, it leads to repentance, which is turning from our sin and walking anew in the way of Christ.
I did just a brief word study of the word shame in Scripture. I would encourage you to do the same. Shame is most often associated with punishment and is seems to be reserved for those who stand against Israel, for those who sin against God, and what Christ suffered in the moments leading up to his crucifixion when he payed for our sin against God.
Grief on the other hand is an emotion we can see in the Psalms, in Lamentations, in the writings of Paul, and in Jesus himself. Jesus wept. Jesus wept over the death of his friend Lazarus (John 11:35) and the sadness that Lazarus' sisters were having to endure even though Jesus knew he was about to raise Lazarus from the dead. And he wept over Jerusalem and the chance they missed in recognizing him as the Messiah (Luke 19:41). Though he knew he was about to go to Calvary and pay for not only the sin of all of Israel, but the sin of all the people who would ever live, his spirit was grieved. Isaiah 3:53 teaches us that Jesus was a man aquatinted with grief and Hebrews 12:2 tells us he despised shame. If grief and shame are the same thing, why does Jesus Christ despise one and is personally acquainted with the other?
Godly grief is the way of Christ and can have a profound effect in our own lives. Shame can too, but it does not lead to a good end.
Shame leads to darkness and imprisonment, whereas godly grief and sorrow leads to light and freedom. Yes, in the moment it is difficult to face our sin, but on the other side of that is a right relationship with the Light of the world (John 8:12).
Shame says you are bad because you did something wrong. Grief and sorrow says yes, what you did was wrong, but it is not who you are. As Christians we are adopted children of God, promised an inheritance, and sealed by the Holy Spirit until Christ’s return (Ephesians 1:3-14) and we are also new creations, no longer who we were (2 Corinthians 5:17). Mustn't it only be because of the deception of the enemy that we, as Christians, don’t understand our worth?
Shame causes us to continue in the same way, causing the same hurts and the same problems. It causes us to become stuck because we become fearful of what the change might require or because the status quo is just easier. Godly grief shows a way out, a better way that we can face with courage given us by the Holy Spirit. Grief doesn't just show us how to be better, which it does, but it points us to the only one who truly is better, Jesus Christ. He is the only one who, through his Holy Spirit, can heal us, free us, and teach us how to live as He did (Luke 4:18-19).
Shame ultimately leads to more sin which leads to more shame which leads to more sin, which in the end, leads to death (Romans 6:23). But, godly grief leads to repentance of our sin and creates room for the Holy Spirit to work in our lives. It opens up our hearts and allows the Holy Spirit to change us from the inside out and shows us the way to freedom (Romans 8:1-11).
Facing the hurt that I caused was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. Facing the fact that my own sin was the cause of that hurt was even more difficult. But on the other side, after seeking forgiveness from my Heavenly Father and from Bart, I can walk in freedom. Yes, I will fail again. Yes, I will hurt Bart again, but it will be another opportunity to learn and to grow in my relationship with him and in my relationship with God. That’s the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit in me and in my marriage and I am ever so grateful for it.
But, here I sit, without a plan in the world for our return to the US. I know two things - I am to go wherever Bart says we are to go, and I am to help him and Eden transition back to life in the US... For a girl who knew what she needed to do to become a doctor at 10, to now be 41 have no clue what to do, it feels scary, might I even say terrifying.
But, I also think this is part of this journey for me; part of discovering the joy that is to be had only in fully leaning into my Savior, Jesus Christ. I am currently working on a small study of the book of Psalms from She Reads Truth. The study of Psalm 27 really struck me. Several verses leapt out and have remained on my mind throughout this week, especially verses 13 and 14:
I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!
First, my heart leaps to read, "I SHALL look upon the goodness of the Lord..." (emphasis mine). God desires for me to see and know His goodness; not uncertainty, nor pain, nor sorrow, nor calamity, but GOODNESS. And then he says, "WAIT for the Lord...let your heart take courage; (and in case I missed it before,) WAIT for the Lord!" (again, emphasis mine).
David, possibly, wrote this as a reminder to himself. A reminder that the goodness of the Lord will come to his life but only when he waits on the Lord. David was so emphatic in the importance of the waiting, he repeated the phrase and ended it with an exclamation point. Matthew Henry, in his Commentary on the Whole Bible, says this: "this is that which encourages [David]: He [God] shall strengthen thy heart, shall sustain thy spirit, and then the spirit shall sustain the infirmity." It encourages me as well.
And I can completely trust that once I know what He has for me it will be good because Jesus is good and He promises to work all things for my good according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).
And, lest you think I have this all figured out, I don't. On a daily basis, sometimes a moment by moment basis, I am struggling to believe it. My mind runs around and wants to think up all the possible scenarios of what is to come. If I don't consciously choose to press into the greatness and goodness of who Jesus is and that He holds it all - me, my family, my past, present, and future, the good, the bad, and the ugly - I feel like I am going to lose my mind. I know God is growing my faith but I have to have an active part in it by choosing Him over it all, especially my crazy thoughts.
I pray friends, that together, we can wait, with hope and joy, for whatever the goodness of the Lord has for us. I would certainly appreciate your prayers and would love to be praying for you as well! Drop me a comment or a message about what you're waiting for and I will be praying for you. In the mean time, may we be faithful to press into who Jesus is and all He, in himself alone, has to offer us.
Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. James 5:16a
Music holds a place in my heart and my life that I find difficult to explain. I've been told that as long as I have been able to sing and play music, I have been doing so. I didn't nap as a kid, but spent my afternoons listening to music during my rest time. I have a "sound track" of sorts for most of my life. And the music for that sound track covers all genres, even a bit of country, which has more to do with preferences of the person I was with than my personal tastes (What we'll do for love, huh?). And though I am horrible with lyrics and details like composers, or artists, or years of release, the music, none-the-less, moves me to remember sweet details and times in my life when I hear it played again. Or if I remember something, I can recall the melody of the music that accompanied that moment or was important to me during that time of my life. I was fortunate to be raised in a church with an amazing music program and was able to participate in it, learning to read music as early as I learned to read words. And, though I enjoy singing, especially in times of congregational worship at church, playing an instrument has always been my heart language. I lose time when I am playing, I forget where I am and who else may be around... I anticipated middle school with great joy because I could finally learn to play the flute. And I did that, and it was good, but then I was introduced to the bassoon, and a true love affair began.
I do liken my relationship to music, especially with the bassoon, as one of a love affair. It occupied the most intimate places in my life and influenced every decision I made until I met Bart. But even then, music, especially playing the bassoon, held places he couldn't, or I wouldn't let him. And, it also occupied spaces that should have been God's alone... All my life choices, as I chose where to attend university to where to live to what career I was going to have, was more about being able to do music, play the bassoon, how I wanted to and how I felt fulfilled than it ever was about what God wanted for my life. Now, I do think some of the choices were in the direction God had for me, but my motivation was self-serving and prideful, not God honoring and in surrender to him...
Music, being a bassoonist, became my idol. Before and since there have been other idols - food, having babies, healthy living, movies, books, my relationship with Bart, my relationship with my daughter, to name a few - but until God stepped in and removed it, music was and, if I am not careful, is what trumps all things in my life, including my Lord and Savior and Heavenly Father...
So here is my confession... I was so consumed with playing bassoon and teaching bassoon, that after I graduated from the University of Houston, I didn't return the bassoon that I had borrowed for the 5 years I was there. I could not see any way I could purchase one and so, I just keep the one I had been issued. Yes, I basically stole an instrument from my alma mater. I was so blinded by my desire to play and to God's ability to provide, that I just took matters into my own hands. And, I used that instrument until just before we left for Costa Rica.
Graciously, as I was preparing all the small details of our move, God convicted my heart about that instrument. I contacted the Moores School of Music, made arrangements to return it, and did so. But in doing so, I gave up having a bassoon. To this day, I still do not own one... Thankfully, the people of the university were kind, received it back, and have never mentioned it again. But, my hands have been left empty of something that brings me great joy and pleasure.
God forcibly removed music from my life when we were called here to Costa Rica and convicted me of my sin of stealing. As we moved, I could see no way I would ever be able to have music in my life, not like I thought I needed to be fulfilled and to have joy. I was shortsighted and selfish, and just plain angry. As I told our pastor's wife, "What in the world can God possible do with a classically trained bassoonist in the middle of the rainforest?" I had prevented God from being in my musical life for so long, I couldn't even begin to imagine there were things here in Costa Rica that would allow me to refine my craft, do something I always wished I had done, rediscover my first instrument, and even a chance to do something I never believed I could. But God did, and even this hard part of my heart and stubbornness in my life, he wanted and he wanted to make new.
So, when we lived on the Pacific Coast, Eden was attending a bilingual private school which needed a music teacher... Guess what God allowed me to do? In exchange for Eden's tuition, he allowed me to teach music to preschool and elementary kids. No it wasn't grand symphonies, nor playing more than shakers and tamborines, but it was something I had always wondered if I could do and do well. In this time as a music teacher, I learned so much and I had a blast. I learned that yes, I could have taught elementary music, and probably been much more successful at that than I was as a middle school band director. (Another story for another time... but once again I thought I knew better and chose not to follow where God was leading). I even got to put on a musical with the kids there. It was a great night, a great fundraiser for the school, and one of my fondest memories from that season of my life.
But then, God called us away from there to San Vito. I once again was without music in my life. But, I was also beginning to allow the Lord to work on my heart and to reveal the idols I had. In that I began to understand that he was dealing kindly with me, even by taking away music, and my bassoon (yes, I know it wasn't really mine, but it sure felt like it). I began to understand the mercy he had shown me in allowing me to return the bassoon to UH with no further consequences. And, how very merciful he had been to allow me to work as a music teacher when so much in my life was a complete mess and I felt completely lost.
So, I began, for the first time that I ever remember, to ask God how he wanted to use me and my love and gift of music. Yes, 30+ years into my relationship with Jesus, and I was finally asking him how he wanted to use my talent. I had had so much pride and I lost so many opportunities because I thought I had known better... I had told God what I wanted to do and then had hoped he'd come along for the ride. And for a bit he did, but then he loved me enough to change me.
After a time of seeking him and his heart for music in my life, he provided the opportunity for me to lead worship at our church here in San Vito. This was once of the scariest and most difficult things I have ever done, but it was also one of the most rewarding. I am thankful for what God taught me and revealed to me through it. I learned so much about him, how I am so unnecessary in building his kingdom but he allows me to participate anyway, how what he wants to happen will happen, and how stretching and growing musically can be honoring to him. I even learned, with the help of the Holy Spirit, I can play piano and lead people to sing in another language (and that was something I never dreamed was possible because piano class in university nearly killed me, as I sent every night that semester crying over the piano trying to get my hands to do what they were supposed to do).
And, after stepping out of the role as leader, I joined the worship team in 2017 as a member, playing flute. I have rediscovered the joy of the simplicity of this instrument. I've discovered that I have a knack for arranging songs for our group, and, I am learning how to worship God through my playing. My times at worship practice and playing on Sunday mornings are so very special and fill me in a way I cannot explain. I am learning what it means to fully enjoy God, fully enjoy the gifts he's given me, and how that is the greatest form of worship I can give him.
But, as my desire for others to know about Jesus and God's love for them, the Truth of the Gospel, has grown, I have struggled with seeing how instrumental music fulfills that. How does something that has no words point people to the cross? How does me doing something I personally love so very much make an eternal difference in people's lives? Yes, the Bible teaches us to make a joyful noise and to worship him with all kinds of instruments, but how does that fill the Great Commission? Can I go and make disciples with a flute or a bassoon? These are things I still don't have answers to, and are the things I wrestle with each time I pick up my flute. I just don't know yet...
And, as I look toward our return, I pray that I can one day own a bassoon, and pursue music, but not if it will once again cost me the right relationship I have with God, with my Heavenly Father. As much as music, and playing fill me, I want nothing to do with it if it will cause me to forfeit all I have learned during this season of pruning. I want to play with an orchestra again, I want to feel the weight of a bassoon in my fingers, and I want to "sing" my heart out on it, but only if it is God's desire for me too. I pray often that God would allow this, that I could once again pursue all that I love, but in a way that makes much of him, and not of myself.
Obedience is something I've mostly done without complaint, especially when it is something that came from my parents or was a clear direction from the Lord. But, I now know, that most times my heart did not match my actions. I obeyed, and even now often times obey, because I knew, or I know, I should but my heart and mind are rebellious. My actions were obedient, but my heart and mind complained and wanted to not do it or do the opposite. And I think many would say, "But that's ok. You're doing the right thing. Nobody knows that you really don't want to." And here I have to disagree... God knows. And there is no one more important than He toward whom I should have the right motivations in my heart and mind.
All of this came to the forefront of my mind in recent days for two reasons... First, I am studying the book of Exodus in this season of Lent, via the She Reads Truth app. It especially struck me as I read Exodus 4 where Moses makes every excuse under the sun to the Lord on why he was not qualified to do what God was calling him to do but he did eventually go and fulfill his calling. But even more than that came in Exodus 5. I need to back up a minute... At the end of Exodus 4 we see this:
29 Then Moses and Aaron went and gathered together all the elders of the people of Israel. 30 Aaron spoke all the words that the Lord had spoken to Moses and did the signs in the sight of the people. 31 And the people believed; and when they heard that the Lord had visited the people of Israel and that he had seen their affliction, they bowed their heads and worshiped.
The Israelites had been pleading to God to save them, to rescue them. And I believe that their prayers and pleading to God were an act of obedience. Who else are we to call on but our heavenly Father. And finally Moses and Aaron show up, praise the Lord, right? God heard, He has sent help, and we are going to be free. But wait, we need to read chapter 5, because what we expect to happen doesn't happen...
Afterward Moses and Aaron went and said to Pharaoh, “Thus says the Lord, the God of Israel, ‘Let my people go, that they may hold a feast to me in the wilderness.’” 2 But Pharaoh said, “Who is the Lord, that I should obey his voice and let Israel go? I do not know the Lord, and moreover, I will not let Israel go.” 3 Then they said, “The God of the Hebrews has met with us. Please let us go a three days' journey into the wilderness that we may sacrifice to the Lord our God, lest he fall upon us with pestilence or with the sword.” 4 But the king of Egypt said to them, “Moses and Aaron, why do you take the people away from their work? Get back to your burdens.” 5 And Pharaoh said, “Behold, the people of the land are now many, and you make them rest from their burdens!” 6 The same day Pharaoh commanded the taskmasters of the people and their foremen, 7 “You shall no longer give the people straw to make bricks, as in the past; let them go and gather straw for themselves. 8 But the number of bricks that they made in the past you shall impose on them, you shall by no means reduce it, for they are idle. Therefore they cry, ‘Let us go and offer sacrifice to our God.’ 9 Let heavier work be laid on the men that they may labor at it and pay no regard to lying words.”
Wait, what? Moses and Aaron are here to rescue the Israelites, but what happened? Pharaoh said no and basically doubled their work. I don't know about you, but that is not how I would want my rescue to work...
But here is where I believe the Israelites faltered in their obedience. Let's look at Exodus 5:20-21...
20 They met Moses and Aaron, who were waiting for them, as they came out from Pharaoh; 21 and they said to them, “The Lord look on you and judge, because you have made us stink in the sight of Pharaoh and his servants, and have put a sword in their hand to kill us.”
Their obedience in following Aaron and Moses was incomplete. As soon as they didn't receive what they wanted, as soon as their rescue didn't look like they wanted it to, they called down God's judgment on Moses and Aaron. They had only worshipped and obeyed because they though they were getting what they wanted. And they did, eventually. And we can look with hindsight and see that not only were they brought into freedom but the Pharaoh and the nation of Egypt were destroyed. And, we also know they were prone to complaining and not trusting God for their provision while in the wilderness. What if God had used the extra work before they were released to strengthen them their ability to withstand hardship? How much more quickly would they have given up if they had been freed immediately? And, how much less would they have appreciated that freedom if it had not come with the extra trial?
The other thing that has had obedience at the forefront of my mind is our move... I find myself regularly in conversations about when, where, and why we are returning to the US. So, the first two are easy... When? December when all of Eden's school activities and concerts are complete... Where? As of the Lord's leading right now, Texas... But why? Yes, I know the answer, but it is so much more than most people want to hear though they probably need to. Why are we returning? Isn't Costa Rica your "home" after so long here? Wouldn't you rather stay? Because the vision God gave to Bart and I, and confirmed through various other people, will be complete. We will have done everything we believe God called us here to do. But even more than that, even if we didn't believe the work was complete, we are heading "home" because God has said to and it is the obedient thing. Yes we love Costa Rica, especially San Vito and the community we have here. Yes, it feels strange to call the US "home" now, but it is where God seems to be calling us. And yes and no... Part of us would love to stay, build a house here, and make this "home" but because we know living outside of obedience with the Lord is not good for our lives, we must move on. These are not our lives to live, they are His to use as He sees fit and to bring Himself glory. And really, nowhere here this side of Heaven will ever really be "home."
So here is where obedience rubs for me, and where the Lord has brought conviction on my heart... One, I realized that in our move to Costa Rica, I was not fully obedient. I held a grudge and I resented the timing, the place, the trials that ensued, and though my body was here, I was not obedient in mind and heart. I obeyed because I believed I would receive something for my obedience, i.e. another child... I was looking for a reward for my obeying. And I got one but not what I expected or thought I deserved at the time.
And, now that we've been here nearly 9 years, I am struggling with some of the same... Just as we have gotten our home to a state that its very comfortable to live in, we have to leave it and start again. Now that we are fully established and have the comforts and things that make this feel like "home" we've got to decide once again what to take and what to leave behind. Just as Eden is entering one of the most difficult times of her life, adolescence, she going to have to leave the only life she has ever really known and start a new one. And, I could go on... But, each day, I am working to move us another step closer to being ready for that move. But this time I am aware that God is working on my heart, just as I believe He did with many of the Israelites as they prepared for their rescue in the hard labor of slavery in Egypt. (Please know I am not equating my trials right now with those of Israel in Egypt. I can't imagine having to live under that kind of tyranny.)
But here is what I keep hearing from the Lord, through His Word...
And this isn't the only place God speaks of not wanting just a "burnt offering", which I believe for us now is our obedience in body alone because our sin has been paid for once and for all by Jesus Christ, but desires the sacrifice of our hearts and minds in obedience too. I encourage you to read them for yourself. Psalm 40:6-7, Isaiah 1:1-17, Jeremiah 7:21-27, Hosea 6:6-7, Mark 12:28-34 I am sure there are others, but these are the ones that I have recently come across...
As I meditate on this scripture, and continue in the story of the Israelites and their Exodus, I believe I understand more of why God is walking me through this bit of wilderness... As I mentioned before, I did receive a "reward" for my obedience, though it's not what I wanted or would have asked for if I had been asked what I wanted. I got God himself. Because of my salvation through the death of Jesus Christ, I have received the greatest reward, a relationship with the God of the universe. What more could I ask for?
For much of my life I have obeyed out of obligation and this is of part how and why I have lacked joy in the journey. Obedience out of obligation is a joy-stealer. It has robbed me of the One my joy comes from. It dampens what I do in obedience because I am always expecting something more, expecting some reward for doing the right thing. And I have more often than not completely missed the Someone more, God Almighty, who is ever present with me, desiring me not because of anything I can do, but simply desiring me.
I am learning to be thankful for this season of obedience and I hope that I am doing it this time, not for what I might get out of it, but for Who I get to know better and deepen my relationship with.
And, this is just one of many lasts this year. Each date that passes on the calendar is the last one we will be here. And I understand that we are never guaranteed another day, ever, but I also think we don't live saying goodbye to days, and things and routines, and scenery, as this year seems to be to me. I am looking through different eyes at our time left here and I'm thankful for it. But, I'm am also living in a season of grief...
Grief is a strange thing... At times, so heavy, so awkward, and often present when I least expect it... It brings up emotions I would rather ignore because I feel helpless and "messy" and out-of-control. It affects my sleep, my eating and exercise habits and routines. It rear it's ugly head at unexpected moments and renders me feeling helpless. And I hate it... I hate feeling out-of-control and "messy" and helpless. Much of my life has been characterized by trying to keep it all under my control and neatly packaged, but when grief comes around, I can't...
All of this became so clear about a week ago as the tenth anniversary of my Dad passing away approached. On top of all the other things I have been feeling, this big anniversary was coming... I had mentally acknowledged it was coming and thought I was ok. That acknowledgement seemed enough and I was ready to move on. But grief, and I believe God, had other ideas. I couldn't sleep... The healthy habits I have established in my life all but disappeared... And, the smallest things set me off... As I became frustrated with small, insignificant things, I realized that all that I was experiencing and feeling was more about my Dad than some issue with an online order I had placed... Grief was here for a visit and I really didn't know what to do, nor did I want to take the time to work through it. Though I'm not unacquainted with grief, this felt different. And here is where I began to realize God wants do something in me and in my life in regards to grief.
A few years ago, God broke me, in the best way, and brought many of my issues with anger and frustration to the surface and He began to deal with them and teach me how to look beyond the obvious trigger and find the root of my feelings. My anger, more often than not, is a result of fear. So, when I get angry and frustrated now, I try and look beyond that, to see what set me off, what deeper issue triggered this ugly, emotional reaction... I realized this time, it wasn't fear, but grief - the sadness of not having talked to my Dad for 10 years, of not having gotten a hug from him in 10 years, of him missing all that has happened in my life and the life of my daughter, even missing him cheering on the Patriots just to spite my husband... This was what was below my anger and frustration this time - grief.
So, as I began to think through and pray about how I have grieved in the past, I realized that I have grieved on my own, but I haven't grieved with Jesus... I haven't allow Him to touch those places in my heart. I have dealt with the emotion of what happened - meaning I got to a point where I could live and move forward, but I have never allowed Jesus to come in a show me what He wants to show me and teach me what He wants to teach me. I've always held Him at arms length, not allowing Him to come in and heal the hurts and wounds, fill the spaces left empty by the loss of a person, or a dream, or an idea, or a season in my life. I haven't given Him permission to show me who He is and how much He loves me, even in these hard times, and even when I am not at my best, when I am mad, angry, frustrated, sad, messy, helpless, and feel out-of-control.
While we were visiting Texas in December and January, I shared with a very wise friend how I was feeling about this year and living in this season of endings. She reminded me that even this season of sadness, of goodbyes and endings, is God-ordained. Even when life is sad, when daily I am faced with the fact that I won't ever live this day of the year in this manner again, God has purpose in it. I am thankful for those words, for the reminder, that though I am walking in a season where I know little of what is to come, where I feel like I have even less control than I normally think I have, when we are at out last "first Sunday" back at church here in Costa Rica, and when I send my daughter to her last "first" day of school here in Costa Rica, God knows it and He planned it this way, He ordained these days, just as He has ordained every other day I have lived, and will ever live.
I pray as I continue to walk though this time, through these hard days, that I will lean on Jesus. I pray that I will grieve all of this in His presence. I pray that I will allow Him to teach me how to not keep Him at arms length but to come in and work on the parts of me that need work. I pray that when I feel sad, I run to Him and not food, not Facebook, not TV or movies, not anything else but Him alone. I pray that when life feels overwhelming and "messy" and out-of-control, I look to Him. I pray that as life as I know it ends, I will be consumed by the fire that is my God, my heavenly Father.
I am thankful that though my world is being shaken, the Kingdom I am a part of cannot, nor ever will, be shaken. And that I can worship an all consuming God in the midst of the shaking, knowing He alone is all I need. He is my comfort, my rest, my home...
My journey and joy have rarely gone hand in hand. When life takes an unexpected turn - anger, frustration, melancholy, and bitterness (all in response to fear) - are my "go-to" responses, not joy. If I have to get through something, accomplish something, do something, not a problem, I will, but usually not in a manner that would attract someone else to join me, to accompany me in my journey. Joy has also been scarce in my relationship with my loving savior, Jesus Christ. Time with Him in prayer and in His Word were, more often than not, a thing to get done, not a time to enjoy, bask, reflect on, delight in, and just be in His presence. I often felt like there were "things to get done" so "let's do this thing I've been told I should do (praying and reading my Bible) and move on to the 'important' things that need to be done..." Joy wasn't a part of that relationship at all. Just a box to check off and move on to what I had planned. And, I'll be honest, because this was my thinking, I rarely found time to even check off the box...
In all the places this journey has taken me, joy - deep contentment, peace, and satisfaction - has almost never been my companion. But, as my journey begins to make another turn and my family and I head into a new season, I want that to be different. I want to take the changes that are coming and find God's joy in them. I believe it is there, present in all things from our Father, and I want to know it, and experience it, and share it with you, and others, if the Lord allows.
So, why a blog? Why pursue this joy-searching in this manner, in a world already full of others sharing their every thought, whim, recipe, decorating idea, and photo, in this manner? All I can say is I feel like it's been through the Lord's leading that I have landed here...
During a Facebook book study I participated this last fall (I AM by Michele Cushatt), I kept sensing the Lord was trying to direct me toward something. I didn't act on it then, not wanting to rush into it, but continued to ponder the idea of it, what it might look like, and pray about it. I sensed God leading me toward sharing my heart and thoughts on life, on my life, on the journey, on my journey to find Him and His joy in it all. I still don't fully understand what that means or what exactly it will look like, but this blog is the starting place.
I begin this as an act of obedience, only knowing that as I have continued to pray and seek what all of this meant, this is the direction He has led. Know that I am just a girl (yes, I thought of Knotting Hill, too) desiring to share her heart, her journey, and her growing knowledge of a loving and good God. I pray that everything I share glorifies God most of all. I hope you will hold me accountable for what I speak about Him and the Bible, and always check everything against His Word. I have no knowledge or authority beyond the life I have lived and the lessons God has taught me as I have journeyed with Him. God and His Word have the final authority on everything...
So, here I am, continuing the journey God has given me, but asking you to join me. I would ask, that along with reading and sharing, that you would pray with me - pray that this would be God's work and not my own, that I would stay sensitive to what He is leading me to share, and that He alone would be glorified. Thank you for stepping out with me and taking part in the journey God has given us.
Hi! I am Heather Carty. I'm a wife, a mother, a musician, and a missionary, among many other things. I see myself as a recovering "Older Brother" (see Tim Keller's Prodigal God) who desires to find God's joy in this journey called life. Which, by the way, has not gone at all as I had planned, but has turned out way better than I could have ever imagined.