Each year as a family we read The Jesse Tree as a part of our Advent tradition and preparing our hearts for what Christmas is really about.  Every year when we read the story of Abraham being asked by God to give his son as a sacrifice, I get choked up.  (Take a moment and read Genesis 22.  It’s just one chapter and won’t take long.)  I, too, only have a single child, and though it wasn’t nearly as long, we waited for her.  I reflect on Abraham’s story and just don’t know if I could do it; if I could offer up my only daughter - who I liken to being my heart outside my body - if God asked me to.  

As much as this story has caused me to take pause in previous years, this year it is especially poignant.  Over the last several days this transition, what many keep referring to as our “re-entry,” as if we’ve been in outer space for the last 10 years, has felt heavy.  Despite all the good that is coming, seeing my girl wrestle with the whys of our move hurts my heart.  And, if I am truthful, I fear this move will break her; that it will be more than she can process and carry and that it will cause her to lose herself.  There is a large part of me that would really love to just stay put and allow her to live in this little bubble we’ve been allowed to keep her in for the past decade. I wish I didn’t have to make her 12 year-old-self have to decide what to take and what to leave behind.  I wish I could give her the certainty and safety of what she knows here but also all the advantages and opportunities that a secondary education in the US will provide her.  But I can’t, not if I am to continue to walk in obedience to the Lord.  

As we read about Abraham and Isaac, and my heart wretched for what Abraham had to do, God turned my mind to my own desires.  As we have tried to navigate the emotions of the last few days, I keep sensing the Holy Spirit asking if I trust him.  As we read tonight, He reminded me that that was what he was asking Abraham, “Do you trust me?”  Please know I am in no way trying to say that what we are walking through is anything compared to what Abraham walked as he led Isaac up that mountain and laid him down on that altar, but this transition  does come with it’s own amount of anguish, of trepidation, of concern, and I think I can understand, in a very small way, some of what might have gone through Abraham’s mind as he prepared the things he needed and faced that walk to what he believed was the sacrifice of his son.  

Each question that comes up, each worry that arises, I hear the Spirit asking, “Do you trust me?” I have to say, it’s difficult to say yes, whole-heartedly.  I know He has shown himself to be faithful over and over again.  I know I had to trust Him when we left our own country and came to a place we had only heard of a year before.  But, when we did that, I picked Eden up in my arms and told her we were going an adventure and that as long as we were together, we would be “home,” and that was all she needed as a 2 year old.  But life through 12 year-old-eyes is quite different than those of a 2 year old… 

But, the faithfulness of our Lord is the same.  And, the trust I should have in Him should be even deeper because of all I have seen him do over these 10 years.  So, as we take it one day at a time, and sometimes, one moment at a time, I am listening,,,

“Do you trust me?” I hear the Spirit ask…

“Yes Lord, I do,” I reply…

I take the next step of obedience and pray for grace and mercy and favor, and for the protection of my girl who was created to live the better part of her childhood in Costa Rica and believing that her Heavenly Father also made her to live her teenage years in the US.  

 “Do you trust me?”

“Yes Lord, I do.” 

When I feel overwhelmed from the choices she is having to make over her childhood belongings and mementos, I choose to believe that God has prepared her to walk this road. 

“Do you trust me?”

“Yes Lord, I do.” 

When I have to watch her treasure the last moments with our dogs that are more like siblings than pets, I believe God has something better still for her, and for myself, yet to come.  

“Do you trust me?”

“Yes Lord, I do.”

And, if this does wound her, hurt her, break her, I have to believe that God will put her back together more beautiful than before.  And, I can believe it because I have seen Him do it in my very own life over these last 10 years.  

How about you?  The Lord is asking, “Do you trust me?”

Thursday we celebrated our last Thanksgiving, at least for now, here in Costa Rica.  We prepared a traditional American feast - turkey and all - and celebrated with our closest friends here at our home.  It was a rich time of fellowship, loving on a new baby, and catching up with people we just don't ever have enough time with.  In all the important ways, the day was just as it should have been, except our house nearly flooded again...

Back in late September, our house flooded the first time.  There is new construction that sits above our house; that is possible because we live in the mountains.  Because infrastructure in third-world countries is greatly lacking, as well as any forward planning, they did not install sufficient drainage.  All of that means that all the water that is now running off of this new 5000 square foot building and its parking lot runs down our driveway, into our yard, and when its is an exceptionally big rain, into our house.  Big rains are fairly common, especially in the rainy season which is May through November.  So, the first big rain after the building was complete meant we had 3-4 inches of water in our home.  Even so, because that day the Body of Christ rose up and did what we are called to do, our house was clean and back together in 4 hours after the waters receded.  Since then there have been other rains but none large enough to enter the house again.  

But Thursday we saw the biggest rain storm we have ever experienced here in 10 years time.  I can't even begin to measure how much water fell in the hour or so it was raining full-force.  As it was falling, Bart quickly realized our yard and all the drainage we have around the house now, was filling more quickly than it could run off.  I paused my cooking, and gathered towels to stuff under the doors and picked up the few things I could that I knew we didn't want to get wet.  We prayed and asked you all to pray.  And, the Lord heard this prayers and stopped the water about 6 inches from our front door.  He didn't stop the rain, but he kept it out of our home.

Thanksgiving Day was this dichotomy of something beautiful and something awful.  The day our house flooded was as well.  These two things haven't been the only times this year that this has happened.  Over and over again we have seen or had to walk through something challenging but all along the way we have seen God's hand guiding and providing in a way that is beautiful.  

When I think of now, I am reminded of the fallen world in which we live, and because it is fallen we have to walk through these troubles.  Though small in the grand scheme of things, each of these occurrences have set off feelings of dread and anxiety.  Each time it rains again I worry we are possibly facing the same circumstances.  Sleep has been lost and worry creeps into my mind.  I want to just wish it away but know I can't.  But then there is the flip side - we see the Lord and His Body in action.  If it had never happened, I never would have seen Him stop the rain the first time and keep the water out of the house the second time.  I saw people come around me and my family, and love us and help us, even though we are not their family or even very close friends, but simply because we all love Jesus and know that's how He has called us to live.  And Thursday, I still got to sit around the table with the people here I love the most and we filled our bellies with favorite foods, simply because God is good.  

So right now, things are both really beautiful and quite terrible.  We live and see the fallenness of the world around us but at the same time, we live amongst those that God has chosen and they each are a piece of the Kingdom that is to come in the end.  We have to experience the awful things of this life, but at the very same time we get to taste and see that God is good and His kingdom that has not yet fully come but one day will, is worth all we walk through now.  

With each day that passes, I am learning more and more what a blessing suffering can be, not because it is easy, or because it is enjoyable, but because it shows me more and more, just how completely insufficient I am and how completely sufficient Christ is.  Suffering puts my place here in this world into perspective; it helps me see just how small and insignificant I am, but on the other hand, God chose me and allows me to have a place in the work He is doing.  

So, the Kingdom that I am an ambassador for now, yes is here now, but also at the same time, not yet fully realized.  If we now get to see these beautiful glimpses of what is not yet fully come, how much more is it really going to be?  Can you even imagine?  I know I can't even begin to comprehend the goodness that is in store for us when the Kingdom of God is set fully on this earth and God completely restores His creation to the glory He intended for it and us, which is only a reflection of just how glorious He is, now and forever.  

First, my heart leaps to read, "I SHALL look upon the goodness of the Lord..." (emphasis mine).  God desires for me to see and know His goodness; not uncertainty, nor pain, nor sorrow, nor calamity, but GOODNESS. And then he says, "WAIT ​for the Lord...let your heart take courage; (and in case I missed it before,) WAIT for the Lord!" (again, emphasis mine).  

​David, possibly, wrote this as a reminder to himself.  A reminder that the goodness of the Lord will come to his life but only when he waits on the Lord.  David was so emphatic in the importance of the waiting, he repeated the phrase and ended it with an exclamation point.  Matthew Henry, in his Commentary on the Whole Bible, says this: "this is that which encourages [David]: He [God] shall strengthen thy heart, shall sustain thy spirit, and then the spirit shall sustain the infirmity."  It encourages me as well.  

Music holds a place in my heart and my life that I find difficult to explain.  I've been told that as long as I have been able to sing and play music, I have been doing so.  I didn't nap as a kid, but spent my afternoons listening to music during my rest time.  I have a "sound track" of sorts for most of my life.  And the music for that sound track covers all genres, even a bit of country, which has more to do with preferences of the person I was with than my personal tastes (What we'll do for love, huh?).  And though I am horrible with lyrics and details like composers, or artists, or years of release, the music, none-the-less, moves me to remember sweet details and times in my life when I hear it played again.  Or if I remember something, I can recall the melody of the music that accompanied that moment or was important to me during that time of my life.  I was fortunate to be raised in a church with an amazing music program and was able to participate in it, learning to read music as early as I learned to read words.  And, though I enjoy singing, especially in times of congregational worship at church, playing an instrument has always been my heart language.  I lose time when I am playing, I forget where I am and who else may be around...  I anticipated middle school with great joy because I could finally learn to play the flute.  And I did that, and it was good, but then I was introduced to the bassoon, and a true love affair began.  

I do liken my relationship to music, especially with the bassoon, as one of a love affair.  It occupied the most intimate places in my life and influenced every decision I made until I met Bart.  But even then, music, especially playing the bassoon, held places he couldn't, or I wouldn't let him.  And, it also occupied spaces that should have been God's alone...  All my life choices, as I chose where to attend university to where to live to what career I was going to have, was more about being able to do music, play the bassoon, how I wanted to and how I felt fulfilled than it ever was about what God wanted for my life.  Now, I do think some of the choices were in the direction God had for me, but my motivation was self-serving and prideful, not God honoring and in surrender to him...

Music, being a bassoonist, became my idol.  Before and since there have been other idols - food, having babies, healthy living, movies, books, my relationship with Bart, my relationship with my daughter, to name a few -  but until God stepped in and removed it, music was and, if I am not careful, is what trumps all things in my life, including my Lord and Savior and Heavenly Father...

So here is my confession...  I was so consumed with playing bassoon and teaching bassoon, that after I graduated from the University of Houston, I didn't return the bassoon that I had borrowed for the 5 years I was there.  I could not see any way I could purchase one and so, I just keep the one I had been issued.  Yes, I basically stole an instrument from my alma mater.  I was so blinded by my desire to play and to God's ability to provide, that I just took matters into my own hands.  And, I used that instrument until just before we left for Costa Rica.  

Graciously, as I was preparing all the small details of our move, God convicted my heart about that instrument.  I contacted the Moores School of Music, made arrangements to return it, and did so.  But in doing so, I gave up having a bassoon.  To this day, I still do not own one...  Thankfully, the people of the university were kind, received it back, and have never mentioned it again.  But, my hands have been left empty of something that brings me great joy and pleasure.  

God forcibly removed music from my life when we were called here to Costa Rica and convicted me of my sin of stealing.  As we moved, I could see no way I would ever be able to have music in my life, not like I thought I needed to be fulfilled and to have joy.  I was shortsighted and selfish, and just plain angry.  As I told our pastor's wife, "What in the world can God possible do with a classically trained bassoonist in the middle of the rainforest?"    I had prevented God from being in my musical life for so long, I couldn't even begin to imagine there were things here in Costa Rica that would allow me to refine my craft, do something I always wished I had done, rediscover my first instrument, and even a chance to do something I never believed I could.  But God did, and even this hard part of my heart and stubbornness in my life, he wanted and he wanted to make new.  

So, when we lived on the Pacific Coast, Eden was attending a bilingual private school which needed a music teacher...  Guess what God allowed me to do?  In exchange for Eden's tuition, he allowed me to teach music to preschool and elementary kids.  No it wasn't grand symphonies, nor playing more than shakers and tamborines, but it was something I had always wondered if I could do and do well.  In this time as a music teacher, I learned so much and I had a blast.  I learned that yes, I could have taught elementary music, and probably been much more successful at that than I was as a middle school band director. (Another story for another time... but once again I thought I knew better and chose not to follow where God was leading).  I even got to put on a musical with the kids there.  It was a great night, a great fundraiser for the school, and one of my fondest memories from that season of my life.  

But then, God called us away from there to San Vito.  I once again was without music in my life.  But, I was also beginning to allow the Lord to work on my heart and to reveal the idols I had.  In that I began to understand that he was dealing kindly with me, even by taking away music, and my bassoon (yes, I know it wasn't really mine, but it sure felt like it).  I began to understand the mercy he had shown me in allowing me to return the bassoon to UH with no further consequences.  And, how very merciful he had been to allow me to work as a music teacher when so much in my life was a complete mess and I felt completely lost.  

So, I began, for the first time that I ever remember, to ask God how he wanted to use me and my love and gift of music.  Yes, 30+ years into my relationship with Jesus, and I was finally asking him how he wanted to use my talent.  I had had so much pride and I lost so many opportunities because I thought I had known better...  I had told God what I wanted to do and then had hoped he'd come along for the ride.  And for a bit he did, but then he loved me enough to change me.  

After a time of seeking him and his heart for music in my life, he provided the opportunity for me to lead worship at our church here in San Vito.  This was once of the scariest and most difficult things I have ever done, but it was also one of the most rewarding.  I am thankful for what God taught me and revealed to me through it.  I learned so much about him, how I am so unnecessary in building his kingdom but he allows me to participate anyway, how what he wants to happen will happen, and how stretching and growing musically can be honoring to him.  I even learned, with the help of the Holy Spirit, I can play piano and lead people to sing in another language (and that was something I never dreamed was possible because piano class in university nearly killed me, as I sent every night that semester crying over the piano trying to get my hands to do what they were supposed to do).

And, after stepping out of the role as leader, I joined the worship team in 2017 as a member, playing flute.  I have rediscovered the joy of the simplicity of this instrument.  I've discovered that I have a knack for arranging songs for our group, and, I am learning how to worship God through my playing.  My times at worship practice and playing on Sunday mornings are so very special and fill me in a way I cannot explain.  I am learning what it means to fully enjoy God, fully enjoy the gifts he's given me, and how that is the greatest form of worship I can give him.  

But, as my desire for others to know about Jesus and God's love for them, the Truth of the Gospel, has grown, I have struggled with seeing how instrumental music fulfills that.  How does something that has no words point people to the cross?  How does me doing something I personally love so very much make an eternal difference in people's lives?  Yes, the Bible teaches us to make a joyful noise and to worship him with all kinds of instruments, but how does that fill the Great Commission?  Can I go and make disciples with a flute or a bassoon? These are things I still don't have answers to, and are the things I wrestle with each time I pick up my flute.  I just don't know yet...

And, as I look toward our return, I pray that I can one day own a bassoon, and pursue music, but not if it will once again cost me the right relationship I have with God, with my Heavenly Father.  As much as music, and playing fill me, I want nothing to do with it if it will cause me to forfeit all I have learned during this season of pruning.  I want to play with an orchestra again, I want to feel the weight of a bassoon in my fingers, and I want to "sing" my heart out on it, but only if it is God's desire for me too.  I pray often that God would allow this, that I could once again pursue all that I love, but in a way that makes much of him, and not of myself.  

Obedience is something I've mostly done without complaint, especially when it is something that came from my parents or was a clear direction from the Lord.  But, I now know, that most times my heart did not match my actions.  I obeyed, and even now often times obey, because I knew, or I know, I should but my heart and mind are rebellious.  My actions were obedient, but my heart and mind complained and wanted to not do it or do the opposite.  And I think many would say, "But that's ok.  You're doing the right thing.  Nobody knows that you really don't want to."  And here I have to disagree...  God knows.  And there is no one more important than He toward whom I should have the right motivations in my heart and mind.

All of this came to the forefront of my mind in recent days for two reasons...  First, I am studying the book of Exodus in this season of Lent, via the She Reads Truth app.  It especially struck me as I read Exodus 4 where Moses makes every excuse under the sun to the Lord on why he was not qualified to do what God was calling him to do but he did eventually go and fulfill his calling.  But even more than that came in Exodus 5.    I need to back up a minute...  At the end of Exodus 4 we see this: 
​

The Israelites had been pleading to God to save them, to rescue them. And I believe that their prayers and pleading to God were an act of obedience.  Who else are we to call on but our heavenly Father.  And finally Moses and Aaron show up, praise the Lord, right?  God heard, He has sent help, and we are going to be free.  But wait, we need to read chapter 5, because what we expect to happen doesn't happen...
​

Wait, what?  Moses and Aaron are here to rescue the Israelites, but what happened?  Pharaoh said no and basically doubled their work.  I don't know about you, but that is not how I would want my rescue to work...

But here is where I believe the Israelites faltered in their obedience.  Let's look at Exodus 5:20-21...
​

Their obedience in following Aaron and Moses was incomplete. As soon as they didn't receive what they wanted, as soon as their rescue didn't look like they wanted it to, they called down God's judgment on Moses and Aaron. They had only worshipped and obeyed because they though they were getting what they wanted. And they did, eventually. And we can look with hindsight and see that not only were they brought into freedom but the Pharaoh and the nation of Egypt were destroyed. And, we also know they were prone to complaining and not trusting God for their provision while in the wilderness. What if God had used the extra work before they were released to strengthen them their ability to withstand hardship? How much more quickly would they have given up if they had been freed immediately? And, how much less would they have appreciated that freedom if it had not come with the extra trial?

The other thing that has had obedience at the forefront of my mind is our move... I find myself regularly in conversations about when, where, and why we are returning to the US. So, the first two are easy... When? December when all of Eden's school activities and concerts are complete... Where? As of the Lord's leading right now, Texas... But why? Yes, I know the answer, but it is so much more than most people want to hear though they probably need to. Why are we returning? Isn't Costa Rica your "home" after so long here? Wouldn't you rather stay? Because the vision God gave to Bart and I, and confirmed through various other people, will be complete. We will have done everything we believe God called us here to do. But even more than that, even if we didn't believe the work was complete, we are heading "home" because God has said to and it is the obedient thing. Yes we love Costa Rica, especially San Vito and the community we have here. Yes, it feels strange to call the US "home" now, but it is where God seems to be calling us. And yes and no... Part of us would love to stay, build a house here, and make this "home" but because we know living outside of obedience with the Lord is not good for our lives, we must move on. These are not our lives to live, they are His to use as He sees fit and to bring Himself glory. And really, nowhere here this side of Heaven will ever really be "home."

So here is where obedience rubs for me, and where the Lord has brought conviction on my heart... One, I realized that in our move to Costa Rica, I was not fully obedient. I held a grudge and I resented the timing, the place, the trials that ensued, and though my body was here, I was not obedient in mind and heart. I obeyed because I believed I would receive something for my obedience, i.e. another child... I was looking for a reward for my obeying. And I got one but not what I expected or thought I deserved at the time.

And, now that we've been here nearly 9 years, I am struggling with some of the same... Just as we have gotten our home to a state that its very comfortable to live in, we have to leave it and start again. Now that we are fully established and have the comforts and things that make this feel like "home" we've got to decide once again what to take and what to leave behind. Just as Eden is entering one of the most difficult times of her life, adolescence, she going to have to leave the only life she has ever really known and start a new one. And, I could go on... But, each day, I am working to move us another step closer to being ready for that move. But this time I am aware that God is working on my heart, just as I believe He did with many of the Israelites as they prepared for their rescue in the hard labor of slavery in Egypt. (Please know I am not equating my trials right now with those of Israel in Egypt. I can't imagine having to live under that kind of tyranny.)

But here is what I keep hearing from the Lord, through His Word...

And this isn't the only place God speaks of not wanting just a "burnt offering", which I believe for us now is our obedience in body alone because our sin has been paid for once and for all by Jesus Christ, but desires the sacrifice of our hearts and minds in obedience  too. I encourage you to read them for yourself.  Psalm 40:6-7, Isaiah 1:1-17, Jeremiah 7:21-27, Hosea 6:6-7, Mark 12:28-34  I am sure there are others, but these are the ones that I have recently come across...

As I meditate on this scripture, and continue in the story of the Israelites and their Exodus, I believe I understand more of why God is walking me through this bit of wilderness...  As I mentioned before, I did receive a "reward" for my obedience, though it's not what I wanted or would have asked for if I had been asked what I wanted.  I got God himself.  Because of my salvation through the death of Jesus Christ, I have received the greatest reward, a relationship with the God of the universe.  What more could I ask for?

For much of my life I have obeyed out of obligation and this is of part how and why I have lacked joy in the journey.  Obedience out of obligation is a joy-stealer.  It has robbed me of the One my joy comes from.  It dampens what I do in obedience because I am always expecting something more, expecting some reward for doing the right thing.  And I have more often than not completely missed the Someone more, God Almighty, who is ever present with me, desiring me not because of anything I can do, but simply desiring me.  

I am learning to be thankful for this season of obedience and I hope that I am doing it this time, not for what I might get out of it, but for Who I get to know better and deepen my relationship with.  

And, this is just one of many lasts this year.  Each date that passes on the calendar is the last    one we will be here.  And I understand that we are never guaranteed another day, ever, but I also think we don't live saying goodbye to days, and things and routines, and scenery, as this year seems to be to me.  I am looking through different eyes at our time left here and I'm thankful for it.  But, I'm am also living in a season of grief...

Grief is a strange thing...  At times, so heavy, so awkward, and often present when I least expect it...  It brings up emotions I would rather ignore because I feel helpless and "messy" and out-of-control.  It affects my sleep, my eating and exercise habits and routines.  It rear it's ugly head at unexpected moments and renders me feeling helpless.  And I hate it...  I hate feeling out-of-control and "messy" and helpless.  Much of my life has been characterized by trying to keep it all under my control and neatly packaged, but when grief comes around, I can't...

All of this became so clear about a week ago as the tenth anniversary of my Dad passing away approached.  On top of all the other things I have been feeling, this big anniversary was coming...  I had mentally acknowledged it was coming and thought I was ok.  That acknowledgement seemed enough and I was ready to move on.  But grief, and I believe God, had other ideas.  I couldn't sleep...  The healthy habits I have established in my life all but disappeared...  And, the smallest things set me off...  As I became frustrated with small, insignificant things,  I realized that all that I was experiencing and feeling was more about my Dad than some issue with an online order I had placed...  Grief was here for a visit and I really didn't know what to do, nor did I want to take the time to work through it.  Though I'm not unacquainted with grief, this felt different.  And here is where I began to realize God wants do something in me and in my life in regards to grief.  

A few years ago, God broke me, in the best way, and brought many of my issues with anger and frustration to the surface and He began to deal with them and teach me how to look beyond the obvious trigger and find the root of my feelings.  My anger, more often than not, is a result of fear.  So, when I get angry and frustrated now, I try and look beyond that, to see what set me off, what deeper issue triggered this ugly, emotional reaction...  I realized this time, it wasn't fear, but grief - the sadness of not having talked to my Dad for 10 years, of not having gotten a hug from him in 10 years, of him missing all that has happened in my life and the life of my daughter, even missing him cheering on the Patriots just to spite my husband...  This was what was below my anger and frustration this time - grief.  

So, as I began to think through and pray about how I have grieved in the past, I realized that I have grieved on my own, but I haven't grieved with Jesus...  I haven't allow Him to touch those places in my heart.  I have dealt with the emotion of what happened - meaning I got to a point where I could live and move forward, but I have never allowed Jesus to come in a show me what He wants to show me and teach me what He wants to teach me.  I've always held Him at arms length, not allowing Him to come in and heal the hurts and wounds, fill the spaces left empty by the loss of a person, or a dream, or an idea, or a season in my life.  I haven't given Him permission to show me who He is and how much He loves me, even in these hard times, and even when I am not at my best, when I am mad, angry, frustrated, sad, messy, helpless, and feel out-of-control.  

While we were visiting Texas in December and January, I shared with a very wise friend how I was feeling about this year and living in this season of endings.  She reminded me that even this season of sadness, of goodbyes and endings, is God-ordained.  Even when life is sad, when daily I am faced with the fact that I won't ever live this day of the year in this manner again, God has purpose in it.  I am thankful for those words, for the reminder, that though I am walking in a season where I know little of what is to come, where I feel like I have even less control than I normally think I have, when we are at out last "first Sunday" back at church here in Costa Rica, and when I send my daughter to her last "first" day of school here in Costa Rica, God knows it and He planned it this way, He ordained these days, just as He has ordained every other day I have lived, and will ever live.  

I pray as I continue to walk though this time, through these hard days, that I will lean on Jesus.  I pray that I will grieve all of this in His presence.  I pray that I will allow Him to teach me how to not keep Him at arms length but to come in and work on the parts of me that need work.  I pray that when I feel sad, I run to Him and not food, not Facebook, not TV or movies, not anything else but Him alone.  I pray that when life feels overwhelming and "messy" and out-of-control, I look to Him.  I pray that as life as I know it ends, I will be consumed by the fire that is my God, my heavenly Father.  ​

I am thankful that though my world is being shaken, the Kingdom I am a part of cannot, nor ever will, be shaken.  And that I can worship an all consuming God in the midst of the shaking, knowing He alone is all I need.  ​He is my comfort, my rest, my home...

​~heather

My journey and joy have rarely gone hand in hand.  When life takes an unexpected turn - anger, frustration, melancholy, and bitterness (all in response to fear) - are my "go-to" responses, not joy.  If I have to get through something, accomplish something, do something, not a problem, I will, but usually not in a manner that would attract someone else to join me, to accompany me in my journey.  Joy has also been scarce in my relationship with my loving savior, Jesus Christ.  Time with Him in prayer and in His Word were, more often than not, a thing to get done, not a time to enjoy, bask, reflect on, delight in, and just be in His presence.  I often felt like there were "things to get done" so "let's do this thing I've been told I should do (praying and reading my Bible) and move on to the 'important' things that need to be done..."  Joy wasn't a part of that relationship at all.  Just a box to check off and move on to what I had planned.  And, I'll be honest, because this was my thinking, I rarely found time to even check off the box...

In all the places this journey has taken me, joy - deep contentment, peace, and satisfaction - has almost never been my companion.  But, as my journey begins to make another turn and my family and I head into a new season, I want that to be different.  I want to take the changes that are coming and find God's joy in them.  I believe it is there, present in all things from our Father, and I want to know it, and experience it, and share it with you, and others, if the Lord allows.  

So, why a blog?  Why pursue this joy-searching in this manner, in a world already full of others sharing their every thought, whim, recipe, decorating idea, and photo, in this manner?  All I can say is I feel like it's been through the Lord's leading that I have landed here...

During a Facebook book study I participated this last fall (I AM by Michele Cushatt), I kept sensing the Lord was trying to direct me toward something.  I didn't act on it then, not wanting to rush into it, but continued to ponder the idea of it, what it might look like, and pray about it.  I sensed God leading me toward sharing my heart and thoughts on life, on my life, on the journey, on my journey to find Him and His joy in it all.  I still don't fully understand what that means or what exactly it will look like, but this blog is the starting place.  

I begin this as an act of obedience, only knowing that as I have continued to pray and seek what all of this meant, this is the direction He has led.  Know that I am just a girl (yes, I thought of Knotting Hill, too) desiring to share her heart, her journey, and her growing knowledge of a loving and good God.  I pray that everything I share glorifies God most of all.  I hope you will hold me accountable for what I speak about Him and the Bible, and always check everything against His Word.  I have no knowledge or authority beyond the life I have lived and the lessons God has taught me as I have journeyed with Him.  God and His Word have the final authority on everything...

So, here I am, continuing the journey God has given me, but asking you to join me.  I would ask, that along with reading and sharing,  that you would pray with me - pray that this would be God's work and not my own, that I would stay sensitive to what He is leading me to share, and that He alone would be glorified.  Thank you for stepping out with me and taking part in the journey God has given us.

​~heather