Music holds a place in my heart and my life that I find difficult to explain.  I've been told that as long as I have been able to sing and play music, I have been doing so.  I didn't nap as a kid, but spent my afternoons listening to music during my rest time.  I have a "sound track" of sorts for most of my life.  And the music for that sound track covers all genres, even a bit of country, which has more to do with preferences of the person I was with than my personal tastes (What we'll do for love, huh?).  And though I am horrible with lyrics and details like composers, or artists, or years of release, the music, none-the-less, moves me to remember sweet details and times in my life when I hear it played again.  Or if I remember something, I can recall the melody of the music that accompanied that moment or was important to me during that time of my life.  I was fortunate to be raised in a church with an amazing music program and was able to participate in it, learning to read music as early as I learned to read words.  And, though I enjoy singing, especially in times of congregational worship at church, playing an instrument has always been my heart language.  I lose time when I am playing, I forget where I am and who else may be around...  I anticipated middle school with great joy because I could finally learn to play the flute.  And I did that, and it was good, but then I was introduced to the bassoon, and a true love affair began.  

I do liken my relationship to music, especially with the bassoon, as one of a love affair.  It occupied the most intimate places in my life and influenced every decision I made until I met Bart.  But even then, music, especially playing the bassoon, held places he couldn't, or I wouldn't let him.  And, it also occupied spaces that should have been God's alone...  All my life choices, as I chose where to attend university to where to live to what career I was going to have, was more about being able to do music, play the bassoon, how I wanted to and how I felt fulfilled than it ever was about what God wanted for my life.  Now, I do think some of the choices were in the direction God had for me, but my motivation was self-serving and prideful, not God honoring and in surrender to him...

Music, being a bassoonist, became my idol.  Before and since there have been other idols - food, having babies, healthy living, movies, books, my relationship with Bart, my relationship with my daughter, to name a few -  but until God stepped in and removed it, music was and, if I am not careful, is what trumps all things in my life, including my Lord and Savior and Heavenly Father...

So here is my confession...  I was so consumed with playing bassoon and teaching bassoon, that after I graduated from the University of Houston, I didn't return the bassoon that I had borrowed for the 5 years I was there.  I could not see any way I could purchase one and so, I just keep the one I had been issued.  Yes, I basically stole an instrument from my alma mater.  I was so blinded by my desire to play and to God's ability to provide, that I just took matters into my own hands.  And, I used that instrument until just before we left for Costa Rica.  

Graciously, as I was preparing all the small details of our move, God convicted my heart about that instrument.  I contacted the Moores School of Music, made arrangements to return it, and did so.  But in doing so, I gave up having a bassoon.  To this day, I still do not own one...  Thankfully, the people of the university were kind, received it back, and have never mentioned it again.  But, my hands have been left empty of something that brings me great joy and pleasure.  

God forcibly removed music from my life when we were called here to Costa Rica and convicted me of my sin of stealing.  As we moved, I could see no way I would ever be able to have music in my life, not like I thought I needed to be fulfilled and to have joy.  I was shortsighted and selfish, and just plain angry.  As I told our pastor's wife, "What in the world can God possible do with a classically trained bassoonist in the middle of the rainforest?"    I had prevented God from being in my musical life for so long, I couldn't even begin to imagine there were things here in Costa Rica that would allow me to refine my craft, do something I always wished I had done, rediscover my first instrument, and even a chance to do something I never believed I could.  But God did, and even this hard part of my heart and stubbornness in my life, he wanted and he wanted to make new.  

So, when we lived on the Pacific Coast, Eden was attending a bilingual private school which needed a music teacher...  Guess what God allowed me to do?  In exchange for Eden's tuition, he allowed me to teach music to preschool and elementary kids.  No it wasn't grand symphonies, nor playing more than shakers and tamborines, but it was something I had always wondered if I could do and do well.  In this time as a music teacher, I learned so much and I had a blast.  I learned that yes, I could have taught elementary music, and probably been much more successful at that than I was as a middle school band director. (Another story for another time... but once again I thought I knew better and chose not to follow where God was leading).  I even got to put on a musical with the kids there.  It was a great night, a great fundraiser for the school, and one of my fondest memories from that season of my life.  

But then, God called us away from there to San Vito.  I once again was without music in my life.  But, I was also beginning to allow the Lord to work on my heart and to reveal the idols I had.  In that I began to understand that he was dealing kindly with me, even by taking away music, and my bassoon (yes, I know it wasn't really mine, but it sure felt like it).  I began to understand the mercy he had shown me in allowing me to return the bassoon to UH with no further consequences.  And, how very merciful he had been to allow me to work as a music teacher when so much in my life was a complete mess and I felt completely lost.  

So, I began, for the first time that I ever remember, to ask God how he wanted to use me and my love and gift of music.  Yes, 30+ years into my relationship with Jesus, and I was finally asking him how he wanted to use my talent.  I had had so much pride and I lost so many opportunities because I thought I had known better...  I had told God what I wanted to do and then had hoped he'd come along for the ride.  And for a bit he did, but then he loved me enough to change me.  

After a time of seeking him and his heart for music in my life, he provided the opportunity for me to lead worship at our church here in San Vito.  This was once of the scariest and most difficult things I have ever done, but it was also one of the most rewarding.  I am thankful for what God taught me and revealed to me through it.  I learned so much about him, how I am so unnecessary in building his kingdom but he allows me to participate anyway, how what he wants to happen will happen, and how stretching and growing musically can be honoring to him.  I even learned, with the help of the Holy Spirit, I can play piano and lead people to sing in another language (and that was something I never dreamed was possible because piano class in university nearly killed me, as I sent every night that semester crying over the piano trying to get my hands to do what they were supposed to do).

And, after stepping out of the role as leader, I joined the worship team in 2017 as a member, playing flute.  I have rediscovered the joy of the simplicity of this instrument.  I've discovered that I have a knack for arranging songs for our group, and, I am learning how to worship God through my playing.  My times at worship practice and playing on Sunday mornings are so very special and fill me in a way I cannot explain.  I am learning what it means to fully enjoy God, fully enjoy the gifts he's given me, and how that is the greatest form of worship I can give him.  

But, as my desire for others to know about Jesus and God's love for them, the Truth of the Gospel, has grown, I have struggled with seeing how instrumental music fulfills that.  How does something that has no words point people to the cross?  How does me doing something I personally love so very much make an eternal difference in people's lives?  Yes, the Bible teaches us to make a joyful noise and to worship him with all kinds of instruments, but how does that fill the Great Commission?  Can I go and make disciples with a flute or a bassoon? These are things I still don't have answers to, and are the things I wrestle with each time I pick up my flute.  I just don't know yet...

And, as I look toward our return, I pray that I can one day own a bassoon, and pursue music, but not if it will once again cost me the right relationship I have with God, with my Heavenly Father.  As much as music, and playing fill me, I want nothing to do with it if it will cause me to forfeit all I have learned during this season of pruning.  I want to play with an orchestra again, I want to feel the weight of a bassoon in my fingers, and I want to "sing" my heart out on it, but only if it is God's desire for me too.  I pray often that God would allow this, that I could once again pursue all that I love, but in a way that makes much of him, and not of myself.  

Obedience is something I've mostly done without complaint, especially when it is something that came from my parents or was a clear direction from the Lord.  But, I now know, that most times my heart did not match my actions.  I obeyed, and even now often times obey, because I knew, or I know, I should but my heart and mind are rebellious.  My actions were obedient, but my heart and mind complained and wanted to not do it or do the opposite.  And I think many would say, "But that's ok.  You're doing the right thing.  Nobody knows that you really don't want to."  And here I have to disagree...  God knows.  And there is no one more important than He toward whom I should have the right motivations in my heart and mind.

All of this came to the forefront of my mind in recent days for two reasons...  First, I am studying the book of Exodus in this season of Lent, via the She Reads Truth app.  It especially struck me as I read Exodus 4 where Moses makes every excuse under the sun to the Lord on why he was not qualified to do what God was calling him to do but he did eventually go and fulfill his calling.  But even more than that came in Exodus 5.    I need to back up a minute...  At the end of Exodus 4 we see this: 
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The Israelites had been pleading to God to save them, to rescue them. And I believe that their prayers and pleading to God were an act of obedience.  Who else are we to call on but our heavenly Father.  And finally Moses and Aaron show up, praise the Lord, right?  God heard, He has sent help, and we are going to be free.  But wait, we need to read chapter 5, because what we expect to happen doesn't happen...
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Wait, what?  Moses and Aaron are here to rescue the Israelites, but what happened?  Pharaoh said no and basically doubled their work.  I don't know about you, but that is not how I would want my rescue to work...

But here is where I believe the Israelites faltered in their obedience.  Let's look at Exodus 5:20-21...
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Their obedience in following Aaron and Moses was incomplete. As soon as they didn't receive what they wanted, as soon as their rescue didn't look like they wanted it to, they called down God's judgment on Moses and Aaron. They had only worshipped and obeyed because they though they were getting what they wanted. And they did, eventually. And we can look with hindsight and see that not only were they brought into freedom but the Pharaoh and the nation of Egypt were destroyed. And, we also know they were prone to complaining and not trusting God for their provision while in the wilderness. What if God had used the extra work before they were released to strengthen them their ability to withstand hardship? How much more quickly would they have given up if they had been freed immediately? And, how much less would they have appreciated that freedom if it had not come with the extra trial?

The other thing that has had obedience at the forefront of my mind is our move... I find myself regularly in conversations about when, where, and why we are returning to the US. So, the first two are easy... When? December when all of Eden's school activities and concerts are complete... Where? As of the Lord's leading right now, Texas... But why? Yes, I know the answer, but it is so much more than most people want to hear though they probably need to. Why are we returning? Isn't Costa Rica your "home" after so long here? Wouldn't you rather stay? Because the vision God gave to Bart and I, and confirmed through various other people, will be complete. We will have done everything we believe God called us here to do. But even more than that, even if we didn't believe the work was complete, we are heading "home" because God has said to and it is the obedient thing. Yes we love Costa Rica, especially San Vito and the community we have here. Yes, it feels strange to call the US "home" now, but it is where God seems to be calling us. And yes and no... Part of us would love to stay, build a house here, and make this "home" but because we know living outside of obedience with the Lord is not good for our lives, we must move on. These are not our lives to live, they are His to use as He sees fit and to bring Himself glory. And really, nowhere here this side of Heaven will ever really be "home."

So here is where obedience rubs for me, and where the Lord has brought conviction on my heart... One, I realized that in our move to Costa Rica, I was not fully obedient. I held a grudge and I resented the timing, the place, the trials that ensued, and though my body was here, I was not obedient in mind and heart. I obeyed because I believed I would receive something for my obedience, i.e. another child... I was looking for a reward for my obeying. And I got one but not what I expected or thought I deserved at the time.

And, now that we've been here nearly 9 years, I am struggling with some of the same... Just as we have gotten our home to a state that its very comfortable to live in, we have to leave it and start again. Now that we are fully established and have the comforts and things that make this feel like "home" we've got to decide once again what to take and what to leave behind. Just as Eden is entering one of the most difficult times of her life, adolescence, she going to have to leave the only life she has ever really known and start a new one. And, I could go on... But, each day, I am working to move us another step closer to being ready for that move. But this time I am aware that God is working on my heart, just as I believe He did with many of the Israelites as they prepared for their rescue in the hard labor of slavery in Egypt. (Please know I am not equating my trials right now with those of Israel in Egypt. I can't imagine having to live under that kind of tyranny.)

But here is what I keep hearing from the Lord, through His Word...

And this isn't the only place God speaks of not wanting just a "burnt offering", which I believe for us now is our obedience in body alone because our sin has been paid for once and for all by Jesus Christ, but desires the sacrifice of our hearts and minds in obedience  too. I encourage you to read them for yourself.  Psalm 40:6-7, Isaiah 1:1-17, Jeremiah 7:21-27, Hosea 6:6-7, Mark 12:28-34  I am sure there are others, but these are the ones that I have recently come across...

As I meditate on this scripture, and continue in the story of the Israelites and their Exodus, I believe I understand more of why God is walking me through this bit of wilderness...  As I mentioned before, I did receive a "reward" for my obedience, though it's not what I wanted or would have asked for if I had been asked what I wanted.  I got God himself.  Because of my salvation through the death of Jesus Christ, I have received the greatest reward, a relationship with the God of the universe.  What more could I ask for?

For much of my life I have obeyed out of obligation and this is of part how and why I have lacked joy in the journey.  Obedience out of obligation is a joy-stealer.  It has robbed me of the One my joy comes from.  It dampens what I do in obedience because I am always expecting something more, expecting some reward for doing the right thing.  And I have more often than not completely missed the Someone more, God Almighty, who is ever present with me, desiring me not because of anything I can do, but simply desiring me.  

I am learning to be thankful for this season of obedience and I hope that I am doing it this time, not for what I might get out of it, but for Who I get to know better and deepen my relationship with.